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NeverAbandoned
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Name: Bethany erin
Interests: Collecting leaves, writing down quotes and beautiful things people say. Piano. Guitar. Voice. Dance. Finding out what intimacy is...
Long walks. Adventure. Risk. Salvation. Cinnamon tea. sweaters.
Expertise: Pedicures, laughing, thinking/dreaming. Creating.
Occupation: Artist
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
11/9/2003
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...
I am the leading lady in this story.
I have found my own music.
....
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| I've no words.
I'm sure it is what you expected!
How couldn't it be?
I haven't written ANYTHING in months.
My journal pretends to be full.
But by now, I should have filled the pages
of 4 or 5 journals.
Instead I carry one around for months...
only a few pages written on.
What happened?
Dare I say the dreadful word?
Ugh!
Dare I risk its cliche meaning?
Or the eye rolls?
Or the way my heart plummets -
realizing in broad daylight how awful
and MESSY my world is.
Wounds.
There it is.
Ugh - even now, I hate the word.
How do you choose forgiveness?
How do you recover?
How do you stop hating the one(s) who
made you suffer so dramatically
and start worshipping God again?
I use to be a dreamer.
I use to be a lover.
I use to ache and cry for the Lord's presence.
Now, sigh, now....
I run.
Dare I say - my love bus friends (well, minus one or two),
you wouldn't recognize me now.
You are the only ones I want right now
in such a broken state.
You knew me as close to the real me as I ever was -
you loved me there.
I wish, wish, wish - we were together
painting in the dining room we called our bedroom.
Hazlenut candles and Damien Rice or Over the Rhine.
I wish Hoodlem's would reunite. (minus the Rose Garden scene)
I wish for Catacomb and the depth of Felson hugging Joey
because he played God.
I wish for Shelly's tears of intercession
and cry for truth
freedom
vulnerability
life
and the good bad ugly
in girl time.
Where did I go when life got
too gray for details?
What happened when all the shades
blended together?
I can make out some of the lines -
but mostly its a blur.
The good news:
[At least I still see...]
I want to come home.
Help me. | | |
| I am sorry.
I seemed to have misplaced love.
Beneath the despicable self - the fog.
I cannot recall how to love You.
Or how to let You love me.
I beg to remember olden days.
That seemed to be blissfully sweet.
Colour on canvas, candles lit.
The simple melodies escaping.
The walks - the park.
My secret place.
The desire.
This isn't my remedy anymore.
I have traveled a little longer -
Finding this road leading me
to another beautiful somewhere.
But where?
I do not understand.
How do I put my foot in front of the other
and continue on, when I just want to stop
and search until I find You?
I'm calling; do You hear my voice?
I'm trying to search - I don't know
the "where to's" or the "how to's" of looking.
Where do I go, Abba?
What do I do with my time?
My heart is discouraged.
My heart longs - deeper than before.
I will not give up - what has set up
to be holy, what has set up to be a sacrifice...
I will not undo or give in to.
Abba - come be my Teacher.
Teach me how to seek You.
I am doing all I know to do - yet I wait day by day.
For You.
And my desire of late -
Change my name to Lover.
Call me by a new name -
because You and I have come
face to face in a new way.
You have revived.
You have purified.
You have forgiven.
I'm tossing over my misperceptions!!
I'm tossing over every lie the Enemy has whispered!!
I see now. I do.
Your love endures forever!
Of this I am certain.
I will trust in You.
Take me where You want me.
I will not strive.
I will meditate on You once again.
You have called me Lover.
And in response...
...
...
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| This is a letter I wrote to my friend (thus the reason it sounds in letter form.) I wanted to give you a better update so please enjoy the read...
We are spending today as a day for rest. Anything that makes your heart come alive: to read, write, a good conversation, a nap, a walk through the lovely Turkey fields... It has been left up to us. We are at a retreat house on the outskirts of Antalya. I haven't really admired the earth and all creation quite yet. I thought it was going to be hot here, but it was so chilly this morning. I just couldn't get warm. So here it is noon and I am just finally ready to actually go out and wander awhile.
Yes, we really did a 60 consecutive hour burn. The presence of God was so close. There were times when I could sense Him so near. I have to say I did miss out on quite a bit of it. The first day we landed, I was hit big time with what I think was a sinus infection. I did a set from 1-3am and left at 5am the second day and slept until 3pm. I got up for about two hours - slept while at the Burn, then left and didn't come back until 10am. I slept a total of 24 hours in a matter of 29 hours. ha. Antibiotics and all. There is such passion in uniting with other believers and workers here in Turkey. When the Turks led - they sang in Turkish. When the Koreans led they only sometimes led in English. It was cool though because some of the songs were from American worship songs so you could pick up the tune and have a few different languages going on!
The next day was Sunday so we went to church. After shopping in the bazaars - we went to the park and split up. The group I was with sat by the beautiful Med. sea overlooking some amazingly wonderful mountains. One guy played his guitar and sang while another played his sax. I sat and painted a canvas. Another girl was ther to interceed quietly or talk with the women that wandered up to us. Because of the culture, American women are really looked down on (because of the way the media has set us up to be easy). So it is very disrespectful for a woman to talk to a man here. So our sax player was able to talk to some of the Turkish men. One of the two loved blues and ended up playing for us a little while. He also bought us all a gift of cay (chai tea). (Very common drink over here). The sun set while we played. It was so amazing too because the mountains began to light up with cities.
We took a tour on Monday to Efes. (Ephesus). We saw the ruins of where Paul walked. The cities were paved in marble. There were heated floors in the mens bathroom. The first wall of the library was still standing it was so beautiful. (I just realized that I sound like I am writing a journal entry not a letter...I hope you do not mind the detail. ha.) We, also, went to the theater mentioned in Acts 19 where Paul confronted the Ephesians. We went to Laodecia as well and saw the ruins at a distance.
And now we are here, doing live worship sets on synclive.com. So anyone can watch. I know one is at 2:30 Turkey time. I know the other is at 6:30pm Turkey time. (I am sorry to say I am not for sure what that would be in Japan.) If you wanted to watch you just need to go to http://www.synclive.com and the click on the Burn 24-7 Turkey link. Sometime today we'll be there. I may paint, but I did a set last night so others are doing theirs today. It is so nice to just BE in the presence of God. To cry out for the nation of Turkey and to do it through song or on canvas or with words.
(and just so you know... if you want to go to the website I found out you can still watch the sets...)
Good night.
Or rather....
good afternoon.
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| I am in Antalya, Turkey as of late.
It has been a wild adventure thus far.
60 hours of pure worship, intercession.
2 hour sets.
Koreans.
Turks.
Americans.
Germans.
All united.
Tomorrow - Efes - 7 churches Paul wrote to -
We will walk where he once walked.
We will stand where he was once persecuted.
We will drive 7 hours to get there.
I love this country.
I sat overlooking the Med. sea this evening
and put colour on a canvas.
While another played the guitar.
Yet another played the sax.
And we sang.
And the sunset.
sigh. Just obey.
Father loves beautifully.
When He says to do something -
just do it.
There's so much joy in obedience.
I cannot wait to update more.
And add pictures.
Ardently His.
go here for blog updates:
http://www.theburn247.com
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